By: Kelly Chia, Humor Writer
Dear readers,
The top received an exclusive preview of a script we’re afraid of. . . the Among us film.
Today is a sad day.
No, it’s a sultry day.
Read and mourn the death of innovation, my friends.
INT. SPACESHIP—20XX
The residence of six crew members. In the past, they were co-workers, even friends. Now the pristine white walls reminded them that they were among enemies.
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
Space was supposed to be the next frontier. . . but it turns out that we couldn’t overcome our greatest weakness: ourselves.
RED approaches confidently. His glowing neon spacesuit masks the horror on his face as he unmasks one dead on the boat. In front of him, GREEN was lying face down on the floor.
RED removes his mask and flips his cropped hair, revealing . . . Chris Pratt.
RED/PRATT
Mamma mia! GREEN was supposed to be the best of us! How could this happen?!
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
But deep down, CHRIS knew GREEN was weak. CHRIS and GREEN had a special relationship. When CHRIS struggled to swipe his ID card, GREEN laughed and helped him. GREEN had human kindness. Maybe that’s why they were the first to leave.
Still, CHRIS knew what he had to do. He strutted suavely to the emergency button and pressed firmly! He would be the HERO!
Three crew members collapsed in the main office where RED was standing: YELLOW, BLUE and PINK. Their identities are all obscured.
YELLOW speaks first.
YELLOW
What’s the big thing, little RED?
RED/PRATT
The “big cry” is death. GREEN is gone.
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
With this grave revelation, YELLOW took off her mask to express her shock and sadness. The unmasked? VIN DIESEL. The camera holds DIESEL so the audience can applaud his cameo. Invisible, he clutches a pendant in his pockets. The camera reveals the reading of the text: Familia.
DIESEL gives a conciliatory pat before speaking.
YELLOW/DIESEL
It’s not very pogchamp. Where did you find the body?
NARRATOR (Voice off)
At this, CHRIS despairs. He thought he knew the ship, but it felt like a maze at times. He vaguely points to the NORTHWEST corner of the ship. No one seems impressed.
BLUE
Um, Chris, that’s a bit cheeky. What do you mean you don’t know?
PRATT throws finger guns at BLUE in response.
PRATT/RED
Sorry, I . . . I use finger guns to cope. Anyway, I seen a touch of pink coming out of the bathrooms just after finding GREEN! Where were you four minutes ago, PINK?
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
PINK (19 to play 45) heaved a deep sigh. Somehow, in this spacesuit, PINK stood out. She was like Jessica Rabbit but in space. PINK purrs at CHRIS’ accusation like she doesn’t even mind.
PINK
Fixing the communication signal. You were right there in the body. Have a better answer than “I don’t know”.
PRATT/RED
Phew.
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
BLUE unmasks, revealing a gruff hedgehog below. Out of the glove, a long unlit cigar stands with his arms crossed. BLUE is SONIC. He speaks with an unusually deep New York accent. He dabs.
BLUE/SONIC
So you killed our friend, huh? We don’t like liars on this ship.
PRATT/RED (EMOTIONAL)
GREEN was my first friend! I know I don’t know much here, but neither do any of you!
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
Oh oh. CHRIS is in trouble. But what can he do against the legendary debating prowess of SONIC the HEDGEHOG? The crew seemed to descend into chaos, friends turned into enemies, enemies turned into imposters. Who was the killer?!
But it was sunset for the truth.
INT. SPACESHIP EXIT
The crew gather CHRIS, preparing to open the door seal.
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
At that point, CHRIS remembered that there was another crew member who was not present at the meeting! This white suit. Those naughty white paws! Why, he then saw him snicker. But it was too late.
RED/PRATT
Expect!
NARRATOR (VOICE OFF)
They didn’t wait.
CREW (COLLECTIVELY)
Hasta la vista, my friend!
Red text beams across the ship, revealing CHRIS’ innocence. DIESEL takes off the sunglasses he was wearing under the suit.
YELLOW
Certainly not . . .
Elsewhere, an astronaut in WHITE gear chuckled in the distance. Finally, they would have their star moment. All those years of being the school mascot and now they were the star of the universe.
WHITE/McFOGG
It’s time for the end game. Welcome to the McFogg Multiverse (MFM.)
